He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
