When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
