Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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