I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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