I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
