when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
