he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
