and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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