So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
