i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
