She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
