its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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