I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
