I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
