He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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