thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
