I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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