remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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