No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
