I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Houston, we have a squirter
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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