Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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