Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
