im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize