i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
