he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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