Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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