Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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