nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
They have beer where we have blood.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize