I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
you made out with another girl for some wings
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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