I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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