i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
