Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
