just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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