Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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