Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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