i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
