I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
