i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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