I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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