i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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