Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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