drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
