hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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