haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
