i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
