i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
