4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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