I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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