I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
