She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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