when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So vagazzling was a success
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
