The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
