He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
