I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
