Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
