i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
