I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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