2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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