ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
