Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
