Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
