I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
