I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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