you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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