Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
