I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
