Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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